love, sex and celibacy

“Guard yourself well, both within and without, like a well-defended fort. Don’t waste a moment, for wasted moments send you on the downward course.” – the Buddha

I think most people know what it is like to be sexually frustrated. You are unhappy because your sexual desire is overpowering or missing. I used to believe that having sex and being in love were the highest sources of happiness in life. Lately I have started seeing things from a different perspective. I have realized that I have been very confused about both sexual desire and love. 

Vipassana meditation is a different perspective of life. Like a scientist doing an experiment on herself the meditator observes the sensations of changes happening inside the body attentively but without reacting to them. The Vipassana meditator, unlike the scientist, learns about the world by experiencing it at the actual level. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to understand how Vipassana meditation works without trying the technique yourself. 

Practicing this technique I now believe there are two kinds of love. Selfish love and selfless love. When we say we love someone we are most of the time being selfish. Why do we love someone? Because we want something in return for our love. We crave something intensely. This is not pure love. Pure love is selfless love, a mother’s love. One keeps giving without expecting anything in return. This kind of love brings happiness. If you stop loving someone because he or she is not giving you what you want you never really loved that person. You just love yourself. 

People say they “love” ice cream. This is selfish love. It’s all about what the ice cream will do for them, not what they will do for the ice cream. A lot of the time, we mean the same thing when we say we “love” someone. Why would we otherwise be mean to those we “love” when they are mean to us? If you truly love someone you give them love no matter what they do.

The wonderful thing about selfless love is that we can give it to everybody. It is not limited to only those who give us something in return the way selfish love is. We are free to feel compassion for all people. We are free to want them all to be happy and peaceful. If we are selflessly in love it does not matter if they love us back or not. You just love. 

Sexual desire is the ultimate craving. This was one of Gotama the Buddha’s greatest obstacles to enlightenment. We think of it as a need. Some would say we need sex like we need water. I believe we like sex so much because when we have it, we feel like we are quenching the thirst. If you observe yourself thoroughly, preferably by meditating, you will begin to see that this pattern of behavior is very unsatisfying. You will begin to see how much suffering it causes.

How many hours of your life have you spent wishing you were quenching the thirst or trying to quench it?

I have spent enough time under the rule of desire, self-sex and unhappiness. I know there is a better way of life. This way of life does not mean to force oneself to live in celibacy. As one meditates one will learn and so change will come gradually. I’m at a point where I naturally do not have an interest in self-sex. I still have much sexual cravings. The difference is I don’t react to the cravings thanks to the meditation. Now I’m spending less time on sexual desires and am instead doing things that are actually satisfying and make me happy.

When we try to quench the thirst of sexual desire in ways of lust and self-sex we actually multiply it. Like a wildfire being fueled by gasoline we are overpowered. It is truly a downward spiral of unhappiness. 

I still believe making love with another person can be beneficial if it is done in a spirit of communication with the respect of protection from unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted decease. I think I will definitely be in another relationship. I feel there is much to be gained from such experiences. Since you get to know partners thoroughly you learn much from them. If values are similar they can give good support and inspiration as we meet obstacles in life. 

May all beings be happy.

from tree to tree

“Don’t run after pleasure and neglect the practice of meditation. If you forget the goal of life and get caught in the pleasures of the world, you will come to envy those who put meditation first.” 
– the Buddha

Are you finding yourself mindlessly jumping from tree to tree? If you are a Vipassana meditator, this is a good time for meditation. If you don’t know Vipassana meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka, I suggest you visit this website and sign up for a 10-day introduction course at one of the many centers around the world.

Be happy!

serving

“Now is the time to wake up, when you are young and strong. Those who wait and aver, with a weak will and divided mind, will never find the way to pure wisdom.” – the Buddha

I got back home from Dhamma Sobhana this Sunday after serving a 10-day course for the first time. I travelled from Geneva to the center the day before the course began. Dhamma Sobhana is the swedish Vipassana meditation center (Vipassana as taught by S.N. Goenka) located in the tranquil countryside near Mjölby and Ödeshög. It is one of over 130 centers in this wide spread tradition. The swedish center has the capacity for about 70 students per course and will host fourteen 10-day courses next year, which is twice as many as in 2007.

Dhamma Sobhana is an exciting place were many different people meet in a spirit of compassion, humility and effort to either sit a course or serve Dhamma to those sitting. I signed up to serve and was so happy to be offered the role as manager for the males. In a course there are usually two assistant teachers, a female for the female students and a male for the male students. The assistant teachers (ATs) are assisted by one manager each which are working as links between the students and the ATs. Besides the ATs and managers there are servers that work primarily in the kitchen but also with other important tasks. The kitchen is the back bone of any course and it’s crucial that they do well and that the meals are on time for the course to run smoothly.

The role as manager is very fulfilling for the server because one works with the students. The students are working in “noble silence” which means they are not allowed to communicate with anyone in anyway except the manager and the AT of the same sex. As manager I followed the students closely on their 10-day journey, supporting them in any way I could. It was the most meaningful work I have ever done. All students worked so hard, I was very impressed and inspired. Out of 20 males no one left the course. Also the servers worked hard. The kitchen was super efficient thanks to good planing and the well adapted servers’ selfless efforts. The energy surrounding this course pushed us all to surpass ourselves.

I’m amazed how well the center is run. There is a good structure to start with and also flexibility so it’s easy to come and do good work even if you never served before. It’s also easy to make improvements since people are open-minded and really want the center to grow strong. Vipassana meditators are patient and understanding which makes the experience of serving very pleasant even though you at times work under pressure. Everyone help each other so you never feel like it’s all up to you. There is great support from the ATs and the servers have a meeting with them everyday. The servers meditate at least three hours per day.

I’m so grateful and happy to have served. It is giving me so much life and optimism as the Dhamma grows inside me everyday. I have decided to be a long term server for six months, starting latest in January. It means that I will be living at the center, serving and sitting courses and working in-between courses with all kinds of things to run the center and improve it. I’m very excited about this opportunity to give Dhamma to others and develop my practice. I feel that the time for me to serve long-term is now. I don’t have any commitments like a job, apartment, car, bills or girlfriend. I’m as free as I’ll ever be. With a stronger Vipassana practice I will be able to take on my studies afterwards in an efficient and more selfless way. I won’t be wasting my time. I am always trying to do what makes me truly happy. What makes others truly happy.

The S.N. Goenka Vipassana centers run solely on donations from grateful students that have sat at least one 10-day course. Nobody is payed for their work at the center, not even the teachers. At Dhamma Sobhana I will live much like a monk but without shaving my head or wearing a robe. I will live on donations made by others, on their love and goodwill. It’s much like living in a cloister, in celibacy and without amusements, following the five precepts just like anyone sitting a course. I will not be forcing myself to a struggle. I have evolved these qualities naturally by meditating everyday for about four months and now naturally I want to live at the center for some time. For the better of others. For the better of myself. With the love of Dhamma, the law of nature, the truth. In happiness and harmony with all beings.

With metta.