“Guard yourself well, both within and without, like a well-defended fort. Don’t waste a moment, for wasted moments send you on the downward course.” – the Buddha
I think most people know what it is like to be sexually frustrated. You are unhappy because your sexual desire is overpowering or missing. I used to believe that having sex and being in love were the highest sources of happiness in life. Lately I have started seeing things from a different perspective. I have realized that I have been very confused about both sexual desire and love.
Vipassana meditation is a different perspective of life. Like a scientist doing an experiment on herself the meditator observes the sensations of changes happening inside the body attentively but without reacting to them. The Vipassana meditator, unlike the scientist, learns about the world by experiencing it at the actual level. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to understand how Vipassana meditation works without trying the technique yourself.
Practicing this technique I now believe there are two kinds of love. Selfish love and selfless love. When we say we love someone we are most of the time being selfish. Why do we love someone? Because we want something in return for our love. We crave something intensely. This is not pure love. Pure love is selfless love, a mother’s love. One keeps giving without expecting anything in return. This kind of love brings happiness. If you stop loving someone because he or she is not giving you what you want you never really loved that person. You just love yourself.
People say they “love” ice cream. This is selfish love. It’s all about what the ice cream will do for them, not what they will do for the ice cream. A lot of the time, we mean the same thing when we say we “love” someone. Why would we otherwise be mean to those we “love” when they are mean to us? If you truly love someone you give them love no matter what they do.
The wonderful thing about selfless love is that we can give it to everybody. It is not limited to only those who give us something in return the way selfish love is. We are free to feel compassion for all people. We are free to want them all to be happy and peaceful. If we are selflessly in love it does not matter if they love us back or not. You just love.
Sexual desire is the ultimate craving. This was one of Gotama the Buddha’s greatest obstacles to enlightenment. We think of it as a need. Some would say we need sex like we need water. I believe we like sex so much because when we have it, we feel like we are quenching the thirst. If you observe yourself thoroughly, preferably by meditating, you will begin to see that this pattern of behavior is very unsatisfying. You will begin to see how much suffering it causes.
How many hours of your life have you spent wishing you were quenching the thirst or trying to quench it?
I have spent enough time under the rule of desire, self-sex and unhappiness. I know there is a better way of life. This way of life does not mean to force oneself to live in celibacy. As one meditates one will learn and so change will come gradually. I’m at a point where I naturally do not have an interest in self-sex. I still have much sexual cravings. The difference is I don’t react to the cravings thanks to the meditation. Now I’m spending less time on sexual desires and am instead doing things that are actually satisfying and make me happy.
When we try to quench the thirst of sexual desire in ways of lust and self-sex we actually multiply it. Like a wildfire being fueled by gasoline we are overpowered. It is truly a downward spiral of unhappiness.
I still believe making love with another person can be beneficial if it is done in a spirit of communication with the respect of protection from unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted decease. I think I will definitely be in another relationship. I feel there is much to be gained from such experiences. Since you get to know partners thoroughly you learn much from them. If values are similar they can give good support and inspiration as we meet obstacles in life.
May all beings be happy.
I am truly glad to see this kind of maturity and serenity in someone so young. I resonate deeply with all that you say here in this blog. Hopefully i will someday get to practice it as seriously as you do.
All the best and much love and warmth from Sri Lanka.
Dear friend,
May you find the inspiration and time to sit your first 10-day course. Buddha taught us to walk the middle path. Not to be lazy and not to be too hard on ourselves.
May you be peaceful and happy.
May u attain Nibbana
i have completed 2 ten day courses.. but sadly my daily practice is still very inconsistant.
i too feel that over coming sexual craving is the most difficult task, overcoming hatred and anger to a certain extent was much easier but sexual craving is something that has bothers me a lot…it just keeps growing…and pulling me down…
please give me some practical advise from your own experience… as i too want to gain some amount of control over it… so far i have not been very sucsessful. i have tried observing the sensations that arise when kama is manifesting but its so powerful and overpowering and i’m defeted more times than not.
Thanks
Asitha
You have overcome some hatred and anger. This is a huge achievement! Be happy you are doing so well! Daily practice is difficult. Keep trying! Be persistent!
I took a 1 year adhitthana, a decision of strong determination, to sit every day, morning and evening, one hour each. I have done my best not to let my sexual cravings pull me down. If they are there, they are there. What to do? Just accept the reality as it is. Equanimity is important, what you experience is not. I did not expect the cravings to go away – it is just happening naturally. Just focus on daily practice, sit one course and serve on one course per year, at least, and you are doing what you need to advance on the path. Let nature take care of the rest.
May you be liberated.
walkthepath
Just a note to say thanks for your post on sexual desire and celibacy.
Your words and experience have come to mind regularly since I read them. They have served to inspire me to relegate this aspect of human life to its proper place at last.
I am hoping to find an opening in a summer 10-day course. Good luck with the adhitthana.
Interesting article! This is one topic that most general dhamma talks shy away from. I’ve found that I tended to oscillate between extreme spirituality and being lost in my desires. And strangly enough the latter comes hot on the heels of the former.
Good point there about the middle path. I’ve slowly learnt to let go and not beat myself up whenever I “go astray”. It doesn’t help my practice to keep feeling guilty. I’ve taken a 10 day course in march but my practice has been spotty at best. Thanks for inspiring me to make a firm commitment to practice! It’s good to know there are others struggling on the same path
With metta from Hong Kong
Talking about sex and celibacy within the context of meditation is tough! It is easy to veer toward extremes. Your post did a wonderful job delicately pointing to wisdom without straying into judgment or suppression. I can see the influence of Goenka-ji’s teachings here.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Thanks walkthepath, your comment was really helpful. I’m a student. These days I’m having my exam. Though I couldn’t concentrate myself on studies, due to the sexual thoughs, which is very hard to observe upon and just overcome upon me. I couldn’t get control over it or say stay equanimous with it, despite of my regular day and evening meditation for more than 10 years…Yours adhithanna technique encouraged me of trying on myself. Lets see…
Hi there and thanks for this post. I don’t know much about meditation techniques, but lately I’ve been meaning to find out more about it, because there’s this feeling it might somehow open the floodgates for my development right now. Just now I heard of Vipassana for the first time, googled it and found some sites and videos on youtube, including yours. Thank you for sharing.